Open your eyes

How much do you really know about your neighbors?  About your friends?  Your co-workers?  Your kid's friends?  Would you be able to recognize the signs of abuse and if so, would you have the courage to do something about it?  


We've all read or seen the stories on TV about children that were abused or kidnapped.  Or you may even know someone that has gone through that hell.  I'm always interested to know what the people around them saw before it was discovered and what if anything they did to help. 


Here's a few well publicized examples:


A seven year old girl was discovered living in a cage in her family home's dark and cold basement.  Her parents horribly abused her and her brothers for years.  Her older brother eventually walked to the police station barefoot and without a coat in the middle of winter to report what was going on.  


My question is where was the extended family?  Where were her teachers?  Where were the parent's friends?  Where were the neighbors?  I understand that the parents probably isolated themselves, most abusers do.  But this girl did go to school and the teachers should have been able to read the signs.   If nothing else shouldn't the neighbors have noticed that the kids were never outside playing, laughing, acting like healthy happy kids?  Should they not have wondered?  


http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Update-on-the-Girl-Forced-to-Live-in-a-Cage/2


What about the story of Jaycee Dugard?  She was kidnapped in broad daylight by Phillip and Nancy Garrido and held captive for eighteen years.  She bore his two children and was never allowed to leave the confines of his property.  What struck me the most about this story was the testimonials from the neighbors and acquaintances of the Garrido's.  They talked about how the property was surrounded by 8-foot privacy fences, that he never let anyone inside the house, they could see that there were structures in the backyard covered up in tarps.  In fact Phillip was known in the neighborhood as 'Creepy Phil'.  And if that wasn't enough Phillip was in fact a registered sex offender.  The worst thing I read was that there had been contact with Jaycee at some points throughout the ordeal by neighbors.  One man talks about how he spoke to her through a fence but thought nothing of it because he was so young.  I only wish that he would have said something to his parents that night and I would hope that they would wonder why a young girl was hanging out in Phillip's backyard.  

These are some of the cases we know about.  How many children are being abused that we don't know about?  People are so afraid to get involved, to meddle in other people's affairs.  That just makes me sick.  Do you think your fears compare to the fear an abused child goes through?  Put yourself in that child's shoes.  Feel the terror, the fear, the hopelessness, the shame.  Would you not want someone to get involved and stop the abuse?  


Child abuse can be hard to detect at times. Many children hide their abuse for fear that they will be harmed even more. They feel that no one will believe them if they say something. Or even worse - they'll get the blame. Simple changes in a child can be seen when they are being abused (this is not to say that all children with these symptoms are being abused):

• Changes in sleep patterns
• Changes in appetite
• Changes in moods (may be withdrawn or may be aggressive)
• They may change their style of clothing (wearing longer sleeves for example)

Here are some symptoms of various forms of abuse according to the American Academy of Pediatrics:

Signs of Physical Abuse

• Any injury (bruise, burn, fracture, abdominal or head injury) that cannot be explained

Signs of Sexual Abuse

• Fearful behavior (nightmares, depression, unusual fears, attempts to run away)
• Abdominal pain, bedwetting, urinary tract infection, genital pain or bleeding, sexually transmitted disease
• Extreme sexual behavior that seems inappropriate for the child's age

Signs of Emotional Abuse

• Sudden change in self-confidence
• Headaches or stomachaches with no medical cause
• Abnormal fears, increased nightmares
• Attempts to run away

Signs of Emotional Neglect

• Failure to gain weight (especially in infants)
• Desperately affectionate behavior
• Voracious appetite and stealing of food

If you suspect a child is being abused, it’s critical to get them the help he or she needs. Reporting child abuse seems so official. Many people are reluctant to get involved in other families’ lives.

Understanding some of the myths behind reporting may help put your mind at ease if you need to report child abuse.

• I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family. The effects of child abuse are lifelong, affecting future relationships, self-esteem, and sadly putting even more children at risk of abuse as the cycle continues. Help break the cycle of child abuse.
• What if I break up someone’s home? The priority in child protective services is keeping children in the home. A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically removed from the home - unless the child is clearly in danger. Support such as parenting classes, anger management or other resources may be offered first to parents if safe for the child.
• They will know it was me who called. Reporting is anonymous. In most states, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot find out who made the report of child abuse.
• It won’t make a difference what I have to say. If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks.

Keeping your eyes open and getting involved is not easy.  Yes it's hard.  Yes it's complicated.  Yes it's frightening.  But I urge you to keep your eyes open and recognize the signs.


We all owe it to each other.  If we don't help each other, who will?  

What do you mean?

If there's one phrase I use a lot in my life it's "What do you mean"?  I've been teased about it *cough Carla cough*.  Seems like I'm always trying to clarify what people mean.

Communication is a not a simple science, it has nuances and grey areas and can be ambiguous.  I like to deal with facts so I'm always searching for true meanings.  

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the 500 words used most in the English language each have an average of 23 different meanings. The word "round," for instance, has 70 distinctly different meanings.  It is often the case that a  statement could be interpreted in several ways by different individuals, rendering the statement subjective rather than objective. 

Some things are cut and dry, for example:

"The sky is blue".

 I'm pretty sure I know what you mean by that, no room for misinterpretation.

But if you say:

"Let's keep it casual". 

What do you mean by that?  Casual is a word that means many different things to many different people. For some, it means spending time together only once or twice a month. For others, it could mean being together all the time, but not telling friends and family about your relationship and refusing to use the boyfriend/girlfriend labels. 

 It's hard enough to interpret things when you're face to face.  At least in person you have the benefit of seeing the body language that comes with the words.  Now that we're communicating only by text it makes things even harder.  When you strip away facial cues, social context, tone of voice and other information, people can easily misunderstand.

Here are some tips for making sure you don't accidentally annoy, anger or intimidate the people you communicate with over e-mail.  <<Source:  Personal Tech Pipeline>>

• If you're joking or being sarcastic, use surrogate facial cues like smiley faces — : ) — or type "[grin]" or use some other indicator of your intent. They seem trivial, but are very important.
• Use plentiful qualifiers such as "don't take this the wrong way," "I'm joking," or "I'm not angry at all."
• Beware of brief e-mails, as they can be interpreted as brusque. An e-mail with just a word or two can be interpreted as frosty, angry or demeaning.
• Start the e-mail with something obviously humorous, which conveys that you're not angry.
• Be aware of who you're talking to. It's very easy for a co-worker or subordinate at work to read anger, disappointment or other negative emotions into your notes. If you're a manager, you need to go out of your way to send friendly e-mails or you'll end up with a morale problem. In-laws and relatives might be easily offended as well.
• End your e-mail with something nice, such as "thank you!" or "hey, I really appreciate this."
• Always re-read your e-mails before sending — and be on the lookout for areas of misinterpretation.
• Don't get angry from e-mail, then reply based on your anger. First find out the intent of the sender by calling, or asking for clarification. Remember: nearly half of all e-mails are misinterpreted.
• Don't use e-mail for emotional or sensitive topics. Pick up the phone or visit in person.
• Bonus tip: Be aware that if you're talking about someone, you're more likely to accidentally send that person the e-mail. Make sure you address e-mail to the right person, especially if you're talking about a third party.

Goodfellas is one of my favorite movies.  Here's a clip of Tommy asking Henry what he means when he says "You're funny".  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E84VqqCPI7w&NR=1

Let me know if you've ever misinterpreted something or constantly searching out the meaning behind a message or a phrase.  And don't be surprised if I ask you what you mean by that.  :)  

Putting myself out there

Before I go any further with this blog I want to talk about how difficult it is to publish your thoughts to the world. 

I remember getting a little green diary when I was young that had a lock and key.  I was so excited to own something that was completely mine and safe from prying eyes.  I still have that diary and I laugh at my entries -->  "Today I went swimming and Carla bugged me as usual".  That was about the extent of my posts, not much probing went on into my psyche.  Not sure why it had to be locked up haha!  

Writing a blog on the world wide web is a completely different story.  Once you click the publish button it's out there and anyone can read it.  By doing this I am allowing people, strangers even, to get a glimpse into my soul.  On some level it makes me appreciate artists more, people that put themselves out there on a regular basis.  Be it songwriters, authors, painters, poets, journalists, performers...they all put pieces of themselves out into the world to either be admired, ridiculed or even worse to be ignored.  

It's not easy to open up and share and leave yourself vulnerable.  I have so much to say and I've debated about the topics to write about, some are more risque than others.  But I think in the end I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'd rather be who I am and accept the consequences than to be someone I'm not.  I'm comfortable in my skin and I write with honesty and sincerity.  I embrace my vulnerability.  In my mind that means I'm still growing and learning as a person and it makes me feel alive.  

I hope you join me in my journey and maybe along the way you'll share something about yourself with me.  

The family reunion

I'm going to my family reunion today, on my Mom's side.  It's the Porteous clan getting together for fun, food and frolicking.  

I'm not really close to my extended family.  We love each other, we see each other on special occasions but it's not like we stay in touch on a regular basis.  But that doesn't mean they're not important to me - they are.

The Porteous clan is a matriarch, headed up by my wonderful, spiritual, amazing grandmother Lucille who we affectionately call Meme.  I have wonderful memories spending time with her when I was a kid.  Getting in the car for the annual road trip to Oakville was one of the most exciting things for me.  We got to stay with Meme!  She had a dog named Lady and best of all she had a pool.  She had a basement full of fun stuff to play with and when we got bored we antagonized my uncle Michael, who was only four years older than me but old enough that it was fun to see him get annoyed.  

My mother comes from a family of eight kids, her being the oldest.  The rest of the family includes uncle Peter, uncle John, uncle Paul, aunt Susan, uncle George, uncle Tommy and uncle Michael.  

Uncle Peter's family was the only one that lived in the same city as us so we become really close.  My cousins Michelle and Jennifer were pretty much the same age as my sister Carla and I and we had many adventures.  We hung out at their cottage in the summer, we spent New Year's Eve together, we played barbies, performed grand productions for our parents.  It was a lot of fun and we have that bond that will never go away.  

I always looked up to my mother's siblings, they all have quick wits and they're very smart.  Most of all they're funny as hell.  I just love sitting around with the group, it's one big laugh fest.  My mom comes alive when she's with them, I see a side of her that just shines.  She laughs and tells funny jokes and seems at her most relaxed state.  

Sadly we've lost a few along the way, uncle Tommy and uncle John are no longer with us.  They both died too young and I think about them every now and then.  

There's a whole bunch of cousins that I barely know - Liane, Michelle, Nancy, Ben, Elyzabeth, Morgan, Ben, Cameron.  And their kids now add to the count - Samantha, Cameron, Jaime, Lily and the newest born which I can't even remember her name - how bad is that?  lol  

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, making that connection again.  The last time we were all together was at my wedding four years ago.  I'll take some pics, have some laughs and create some memories.  

That's what family reunions are all about right?

I believe

I believe that I have someone watching over me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not super religious and I don’t believe in the paranormal.  But I do believe in the power of belief and in humanity. 

 

Let me explain.  When I was younger and fresh out of college I had nothing.  No car, no money, not a thing.  The only thing I had was my ambition and will to survive.  I scored my first big job with a national television network, I was hired to work on live sporting events.  I was beyond thrilled.  To do the job I had to find a place to stay in another city and with no money that isn’t easy.  I called upon my relatives and my uncle took me in.  So, place to stay – check.  Then I had to get myself to the job location, which was about 45 minutes away in another city.  I did the research and found out I could take the train.  Okay, transportation – check.  So I got up nice and early that first day of work, took a bus to the train station and in my horror realized that I had made a mistake and in fact missed the train by about 15 minutes.  There wasn’t another train scheduled to leave for at least a few hours.  I was devastated.  I was so pissed at myself for making such a stupid mistake.  I knew I was screwed.  I was going to be a 1/2 day late on my first day on the new job.  Nice impression I was going to make right?  I was beyond upset.  There was no one I could call to help me, I was on my own.  I was in a big strange city all alone with no money and no way to get to my new job.  

 

I walked outside the train station and just stood there, looking out at the passing cars, the hustle and bustle, people rushing off to places.  I stood there in the middle of this and just started crying.  I felt helpless.  All of a sudden I looked across the street and saw a taxi driver standing outside of his taxi, just leaning on it sipping a coffee.  He was pretty far away from me, I couldn’t make out his facial features, but I could tell that he was looking at me.  Something made me walk over to him.  He was one of about twenty taxi drivers lined up but I was drawn to him.  I went to him, tears running down my face and asked him if he could drive me to the neighboring city so I could get to work on time.  I felt numb, like my words and actions were happening without me being conscious about it.  I told him I had no money but that I would send him a cheque as soon as I got paid.  Oh, can you imagine any taxi driver saying yes to this?  But he did.  He said yes, he would drive me.

 

A tidal wave of relief and gratitude washed over me.  I couldn’t even comprehend how I got so lucky.  I thanked him profusely, took his contact info and swore to him that he would get a cheque.  The taxi ride cost about $90, no small change.  He dropped me off at my job location and I made it just in time.  Unbelievable. 

 

The next week when I got paid the first thing I did was write a cheque and mail it to him.  I never heard from or saw him again.

 

I believe that this happened for a reason.  I believe that someone or something was looking out for me that day.  I believe that he was my guardian angel, for that day anyway.  The whole experience profoundly affected me and made me believe that there is good out there.  It made me believe that I could do anything.  It made me believe in humanity.

 

And for that I thank you, Mr. taxi driver.  You are my angel.  

Let's be human again

Everyone around me is on a Blackberry, iPhone, iPod or some device and I thought I’m surrounded by zombies in lala land.  No one is talking, no one is looking at anyone.  Microsoft, Apple and the rest might as well put a chip right in everyone’s brains and transmit everything directly there.  With all that’s happening in the world, is anyone talking or discussing anything?

 The web is supposed to make the world smaller by connecting everyone, but I think that’s hogwash because no one talks except in cyberspace.  Computers are supposed to make us smarter but we don’t know anything unless we google it.  Social networks are supposed to make us more social, but I think that’s bullshit because people only talk through text and online messages.  People are forgetting how to socialize, how to look people in the eye or shake hands.  People are getting depressed on social networks as they judge their own lives against the perfectly tailored pictures they see online.  Does anyone on Facebook ever look unhappy or sad, aren’t they always on the perfect beach or party? 

With everything happening all around us we are all emotionally lonely and physically drained.  A lot of us are lonely and need to put away the gadgets and be human again.  We need the human touch, the human connection that cyberspace can never give.  We all need to be nice to each other, more compassionate and we all need to bring respect for others back into our lives.  We are not machines, but people.  Let’s all give each other and the world a nice big hug, we all need it.